#i just relate to baz so hard

[larkral]

OKAY it's late so we're going to be as efficient as humanly possible here. I've spent pretty similar amounts of time this week writing in Finally (already, always) and As yet unnamed Red White and Royal Blue Soulmates BS (BS stands for Brilliant Shit, btw: I am obsessed with my soulmates concept), so you're going to get some of each!

Two mums

(Simon POV. There is no Baz POV in this story, FYI, so it's going to be SImon from here on out)

We don't even have to sneak out. We just take the keys off of the hook next to the front door and walk right out into the night. It's lovely. On our way to the nearest park, we walk past a community building where a choir is rehearsing, and then further into a bike-walkway. It's lined with trees, and when we get to an area where the zigging of a street gives the pathway a deeper tree cover, Baz tells me to wait under a light and walks determinedly into the trees.  I can see him moving in the shadows. Not, you know, perfectly, but if I look into the trees, there's still a bit of light coming through from the other side. If I let my mind wander, I can sometimes see a too-fast movement or a flicker of a shape that I know in my bones is him.  Then there's a long moment of stillness.  I wonder what he's found. 

RWRB Soulmate BS

(Just diving right into the "if I'm writing a soulmate fic, you better believe it's going to go hard in worldbuilding" of it all right off the bat.)

"I'm not an idiot Nora," Alex says exasperatedly. He swears sometimes she says stuff just so he can shout about it. "They rely so heavily on the idea that their empire was ordained by Divine Right because they've been exclusively letting their children marry their 'soulmates' since the beginning of time, and if those children's 'soulmates' happened to help them expand the reach of their power, then that was just God's will." Alex takes a deep breath. "Why would they ever give that up?" Nora sends a half-shrug his way, and June pats his shoulder.  "You'll just have to hold your breath against the hypocrisy, little bro," June says. "Especially because I'm pretty sure Zhara is going to forbid you from more than a polite sip of champagne."  "Don't I motherfucking know it," he says.

Thanks so much for the tags this week @thewholelemon, @that-disabled-princess, @kiwiana-writes, @bookish-bogwitch, @hushed-chorus,

@forabeatofadrum, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @monbons, @mooncello and @rimeswithpurple !! What a brilliantly active Wednesday it is today! I am *loving* all the things folks are sharing. Crafts and writing and art and life events. I absolutely <3<3 fandom. A+ work everyone!

Since it's the end of the day, I'd like everyone I'm tagging to consider this a prompt to tell me about anything you're doing lately, even if it's completely non-fandom related. <3

@stitchyqueer @confused-bi-queer @raenestee @facewithoutheart @whogaveyoupermission

@cutestkilla @sillyunicorn @basiltonbutliketheherb @roomwithanopenfire @orange-peony

@ileadacharmedlife @asocialpessimist @aristocratic-otter @captain-aralias @run-for-chamo-miles

@petedavidsonscock @artsyunderstudy @carryonvisinata @takenabackbytuesdays @martsonmars

@nausikaaa @nightimedreamersghost @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @ionlydrinkhotwater @wellbelesbian

@shrekgogurt  @palimpsessed @fatalfangirl​ @blackberrysummerblog​ @valeffelees

@j-nipper-95 @youarenevertooold @emeryhall @run-for-chamo-miles

@talentpiper11 @imagineacoolusername

[cutestkilla]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers (except me because obvs I have done it). Spread the self-love ❤

Thank you so much for this ask (and @bookish-bogwitch and @aristocratic-otter too). You're all amazing and your self-recs are too - I cosign them all!

So: this is the first time I've gotten one of these where I actually HAVE 5+ fics (of my own) to choose from 😂 so you know what, even though it's a *somewhat* trivial process, I'm gonna DO THE THING and come up with a Top 5.

1. What's Left (133K, M)

My first fic, and still my favourite. Probably because conceptually, I don't think I'll ever come up with something this cool or interesting again. And also because I got to spend so many words with my version of the Humdrum (who many of you know as Sid), expanding on what we know of him from canon and all the ways he intersects with Simon, and I kind of just love him alot. This is definitely the plottiest thing I've ever written, with lots of twists and turns and what I think is a sort of an arc you can't predict from the start (pioneering the Baz/Humdrum tag!!), and that made it really fun to write, and I hope fun to read too. Also, this is the most painful thing I've written (it starts with Simon dead, folks), which if you know me at all, explains why it would be my favourite. 😂

2. Hiding Out in the Open (48K, M - WIP 5/7 chapters)

This takes the #2 spot for sure because: a) it's also got a decent amount of pain courtesy of an alt-WS divergence setting and b) it's also kinda high concept. And c) I'm writing it as a very drawn out birthday gift for my beloved @artsyunderstudy in honour of what is now OUR beloved psychology podcast of choice, Hidden Brain. My favourite thing about this one is the way I've worked all these real concepts in psychology (and real episodes of Hidden Brain) into the narrative in a way that I think feels organic and true to the characters. It's been a challenging puzzle to solve, but man have I learned some cool things along the way. This one IS a WIP, but I'm going full steam ahead on it, and even though the story is NOT over, ch 5 ends in a decently satisfying place.

3. Slamming and Smashing (18K, E)

My first (and only) E-rated fic! I'm more of a soft smut writer, but I had so much fun writing this one as a gift for @ic3-que3n based on prompts that included: NSFW, Simon slamming Baz into a wall (as referenced in Snow for Christmas), a very specific line from Bram Stoker's Dracula about wild rose, AND an Anastasia AU. This one is pretty low on pain/angst and high on post-canon fluff, but I did still give Baz a *bit* of a breakdown in it 😂. I'm proud of this one because I think it's hot and also because I managed to hit ALL those prompts in one smutty fic, and tell what I think is a pretty relatable story about how hard communicating can be in relationships.

4. Episode 5: The Tardigrade and His Boy (25K, T)

Another gift fic, this time for @raenestee! This was not only an amazingly fun collaboration with @facewithoutheart @aristocratic-otter @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @thewholelemon

@mostlymaudlin and @artsyunderstudy, but I found a way to have the Humdrum front and centre again which makes me so happy. I also cut my teeth writing Shep and Agatha POVs for the first time in this one, which was very fun. And I managed to write one of my most favourite types of fics: one that is both an AU and also secretly canon-compliant. This is my only true AU and I think it's a really fun romp (just like the rest of the series which I highly recommend).

5. This Is Your Place (18K, M)

This one was for Prompt Fest 2022 (a fest to celebrate the anniversary of @carryonprompts where - reminder - you can submit your Carry On fic prompt ideas and maybe someone will write them) and filled this prompt by @bookish-bogwitch:

"@ionlydrinkhotwater wrote this meta: "Omg Simon is such a ho, in retaliation for Baz pulling the open sesame move, he dashes to their room, showers, shaves (nicking his skin so he's a little bit bloody and therefore yummy) and "accidentally" comes out in just pajama bottoms with his tits full out, without the necklace." ... And I want to read a fic where Baz fuckin' Takes. The. BAIT."

What I think I did well in this one is building up both the tension and the empathy between Simon and Baz in a way that makes the payoff feel earned, even though the story only takes place over the course of a few hours, the day Baz gets back to Watford after the numpties. I also really love my Baz inner monologue in this, and that Simon gets to be a little bit smooth, too.

[theofficialpresidentofmars]

I think the reason why I tend to like more controversial film Shakespearean adaptations (eg Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet, Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet) is to me, keeping the complete integrity of the play whole and intact is just slightly less important than seeing the story get to be told in new and exciting ways? Like don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate the integrity of a play and might be using the wrong word entirely but I don't care if not every single detail is the exact same and if some of the deep implications are lost in favour of things that look cool.

I guess my view comes from the fact that Shakespeare is so hard to get into for a number of reasons: the excruciating language barrier especially for first time readers, the fact that the plays are all like 400 years old, and the way that everybody seems so pretentious about his works all the time that it's hard to connect to them in any meaningful way when people are just going to tell you you're not reading it right. It put me off for a good many years to the point where I held contempt for the playwright and every English teacher who'd made me study his works because it all felt so stupid and uptight and so much fuss about nothing (much ado about nothing, you might say) and I'd been taken to see live plays of his multiple times and every time my parents had been like 'oh it's a cultural experience! it's high art!' and it confused me and frustrated me and just didn't resonate with me at all. and quite potentially the ONLY reason I got into his works at all was three straight years studying his plays in, Hamlet came up on my radar as the play we'd have to perform a scene from for a Drama assessment. And he was Danish, and I'm Danish, and I thought 'yknow maybe I'll give this one a shot for cultural heritage purposes or whatever' and so I put in extra work to understand the play and realised it kind of hit hard. And then, after all these years of reading plays and watching them without a clue what was going on, it was getting the chance to perform a scene from a play that I understood with the instruction to make of it what we wanted it to be, I finally got it. I realised why this name had been one to go down in history.

But I can't get over how absolutely hard it was to get here, and how close I was to never being here at all despite my close proximity at many occasions of my life. And it's because people treat Shakespeare's works like 'high art' which they are, but they also take it to mean untouchable. And okay, maybe if it was the Mona Lisa or something. But this is theatre! This is the most adaptational, most personal, most intimate art form! And it's not only art where the value lies in viewing it, but there's value in being the ones to perform as well! And treating it like some godly, better-than-thou, scripture from the heavens makes it unrelatable and unapproachable. When the whole reason these stories have lasted for four hundred years is because they're relatable!

But sometimes three-four hour plays are hard to resonate with, especially the Shakesperean worded ones, whether that be read or viewed. Mostly for newcomers. And often, that can be where film comes in. And here's where I should add, a large amount of people don't watch Shakespeare with the intent of acting like they know everything about it. Having an adaptation that doesn't fully do the original justice should be okay, because at the end of the day it's more important that the stories are being told and adapted to draw in a modern audience (who then if interested can go and properly sink their teeth in) than kept in a glass case to be seen but not felt.

I hope people make really shitty film adaptations of Shakespeare. I hope people make film adaptations that do something daring and original that wasn't in the play. I hope people make adaptations that go offscipt entirely, I hope they make adaptations that don't quite make sense but they're going for more of a vibe than anything. I hope they make adaptations that are campy and ridiculous and I hope they make adaptations that really suit the original plays and capture all of their themes that make every scholar's heart ascend with happiness.

I hope people make many, many adaptations of Shakespeare's works, each with a bit of their own creativity and soul handcrafted into them. I hope these stories keep being adapted again and again and that every adaptation, whether it resonates with a large audience or not, really resonates with someone. I hope people have self-indulgent fun adapting his works. I hope that no one ever feels afraid to put something out into the world just because it might be awful.

I should also add, if you happen to dislike any of the adaptations I mentioned for valid reasons that's totally fine and I understand why you might lol. But in an ideal world, Hamlet has like a hundred different modern versions and I actually hate like half of them but it's okay because the fact that so many were made means that one also got made that's so good and so perfect for me that it keeps me up at night. I currently do have takes on the play that I absolutely despise anyway (Freud when I get my hands on you) but I recognise that there's merit in them existing and people finding meaning in them (even if they're WRONG according to me). I also understand the potential frustration in people who haven't studied the play coming into academic spaces and acting as if they have full authority because they've seen one adaptation. I just hope you sort of get the point I'm trying to make because we're probably not on opposite sides and I have a fear of misarticulating myself on the internet LOL

anyway the Hamlet scene I ended up doing for my Drama assessment was the latter half of Act 5 Scene 2 and our group's take on it were that Hamlet and Laertes were bitter exes lmao

[aristocratic-otter]

20 questions for fic writers!

Thank you @artsyunderstudy for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

28, though one was a round robin where I only wrote one of the chapters.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

838, 380. Subtracting Birthday Man (the round robin fic), I've written, by myself, 799, 248. I'm not surprised. I'm not good at brevity. (And I have over a hundred thousand words in unpublished fics right now 😅)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Only Carry On, though I've made a habit of sticking Simon and Baz into fandom loves of my youth.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Oh, Have You Seen The Fairies Dance, my CORB from two years ago, writing to art by @krisrix. 562 Kudos

Playing With Fire, Treading Thin Ice, my pinch-hit CORB, also from two years ago (I sense a trend), writing to art by @steppjes. 453 kudos

Back To Start, my Simon youthens Baz into a baby fic, 447 kudos

A Fucked Up Cinderella Story, a Simon as escort fic, and my first collaboration with my dear friend (and a brilliant artist), @frjsti. 339 kudos.

A Real Doll, my first real PWP (ok, it sort of has a plot) (a very thin one), written for @captain-aralias's Monster Under the Bed Fest, 331 kudos.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! It means a lot to me to hear how folk enjoyed my work, and I appreciate how much effort it takes to reach out sometimes, so I want to show my appreciation. I should be better at commenting myself!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Readers nearly burned me at the stake over my ending to The Blue and The Gray, where Simon rides away with his Union troop, leaving Baz behind at his plantation home. Even the 'happy ending' epilogue I wrote, to get them back together, is bittersweet, because Simon is damaged from the war and it will be a long road to recovery (or at least the length of the Oregon Trail 😉) (If you know, you know).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I only do happy endings, but, like Ashton, I tend towards angst a lot of the time. So I think that my most meaningful happy ending is in New Year, New Me, which takes Simon and Baz literal to the end, of their long lives together (with a gorgeous song written by @moodandmist and @cutestkilla!)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet! I've gotten a few corrections, which I honestly don't mind. I'd rather be corrected than leave a glaring error in a fic. I agree with Ashton, this is an incredibly kind fandom.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Uh <looks side to side shiftily> yes? Like, a lot? It's funny, because I'm ace, but I find all the ways humans can relate to one another through sex fascinating, even if I don't need those things for myself. I'd say I write mostly bonding through sex? Occasional fucking just 'cause it's fun, but mostly soulful, loving sex.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not crossovers precisely, (I don't mix in characters from other fandoms) but I'm extremely guilty of throwing SnowBaz into any story, show, or movie I've loved and putting them through their paces:

The Watford Games: Simon and Baz in a Hunger Games Scenario

The White Chapel: Simon replacing Olivia Newton John in the movie Xanadu

The Snow Fox: (unfinished) Simon as the Francis Marion Character in the old Disney TV show, the Swamp Fox.

Episode 2: The Naked Next, (gift fic for @raenestee) (I blame this one on @facewithoutheart), Simon and Baz in the Star Trek Universe.

and, Stars, Flowers, and Children, an unpublished (part done) fic set in the universe of the movie the Blue Lagoon, and To Heal a Broken Mind, an unpublished (nearly finished) fic set in a scenario similar to the TV show House MD.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Fingers crossed, but no, I don't think so. Probably hard to pass off a seventy thousand word fic as your own that you just popped up with out of nowhere.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Only the round robin fic, Birthday Man, where each of several fic writers wrote a chapter for Simon's birthday celebration, and the Star Trek Universe fic, The Naked Next (linked above). But I'd definitely give co-writer credit to many of the fandom artists I've worked with, because their work either inspired my words, or they even helped guide the evolution of the fic in the background. I especially have to give credit to @krisrix, @ivelovedhimthroughworse, @frjsti, and @artsyunderstudy for being brilliant at helping me flesh out the fics they did art for!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Gee. Bet you can't guess.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

This is a tough one because I've (so far) never not finished a fic I've committed to (I've got a few paragraphs of a few random ideas in my files, but nothing I ever advertised or put much effort into). But I'm also perpetually in the middle of at least five or six fics, so leaving one dangling remains possible, even if I desperately hope it won't happen. I guess I'll mention Westward Son here, because though it ought to be finished in the next couple of weeks, it took me two fucking years to get there!

16. What are your writing strengths?

I don't get writer's block. I think my habit of fic jumping helps with this; if one fic is dragging, I can spend more time on another until words start to flow for the first one again. I do force myself to write at least a sentence every couple of days, even on the draggy fics, though. I think I'm decent at characterization? Especially Simon, because I identify with his way of thinking a lot. I also think I'm decent at giving the reader a strong visual of what's going on in a scene (hopefully).

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Plot and tech. I can write plot, but not snappy, quickly resolved ones. For me to find my way to the end of a plot usually takes several thousand words. And that's a weakness, not being able to write short. I don't know how to be interesting in small bites, I guess. And tech: I'm intimidated by incorporating modern tech like social media, etc. in my fics. I always feel like I can't format it correctly or make it look/sound realistic enough, so I tend to avoid fic ideas that are tech based, like text fics or social media fics. Aaaaand now I'm writing a fic based in Tiktok, a platform I do NOT know well. Pray for me.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've done it once (in The Blue and The Gray), but I'm nervous about it. I think I'm afraid of misinterpreting a connotation of a word or phrase. I researched extensively for the Spanish lullaby in The Blue and the Gray, and even the Greek and Latin phrases in Back to Start and The Watford Games. I don't mind it in fics, so long as the meaning isn't integral to the scene (like using French swears in a fic set in French Canada) (@bazzybelle, I'm looking at you!). If the meaning is integral, I tend to prefer the translations be not far away (like at the end of the fic), but rather just a few lines down (like at the end of a chapter), because it's frustrating having to jump back and forth to get meaning from what I'm reading.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

CSI, on fanfic.net. But I only wrote one fic. Don't look for it. I didn't have this username and I'm not interested in reliving that part of my life 😆

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I think it will always be Back to Start (linked above). I still love the premise and it was the first fic that made me feel like a real writer. You don't forget that feeling. It's my baby.

How about, instead of tagging folk, you consider yourself tagged if you're one of the many people I mentioned above? 😂

[makedonsgriva]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

Omg hi! First of all thanks for asking! I haven’t answered this question before and I absolutely do not mind answering this. This is a tough one though because I’ve consumed so much media and love so many characters it’s so difficult to choose but I will give it a shot nonetheless. Also these ten characters are not in any particular order.

Laurent Of Vere: Laurent is introduced as the frigid and dangerous prince of Vere in the book 1 of the captive prince trilogy. I HATED this man on my first reading but as the trilogy progressed, I just fell in love with him. He had an astounding amount of growth and character development. Not to mention his qualities and traits make him an all around admirable character. I may not be putting the characters in this list in order but Laurent is definitely my favourite character of all time.

Fleabag: Fleabag from Fleabag is another character I deeply love. She is funny, she is selfish, she is a tragedy of her own doing. It’s the way she is so deeply flawed yet so damn loveable at the same time that gets me. We are all fleabag at the end of the day aren’t we?

Baz: Baz from Carry On trilogy had to be here like the list won’t be complete without my poor little meow meow. He is one of those few characters who is very very close to my heart and it so hard to not love this dramatic gay vampire. Just love his snark and he is so funny??? I love it so much. Not to mention he truly is one of the kindest characters I’ve read.

Penelope Bunce: Another character from the Carry On trilogy. Penelope means the world to me because as a brown person, I don’t get to read a lot of books which feature brown characters. So seeing a character who is the best friend of the protagonist and has a major role in the series, it’s very refreshing and reassuring to me. Penelope is smart, stubborn, never admits she might be wrong but her growth over the three books is amazing. I will always love her.

Eren Yeager: literally one of the most tragic characters I’ve seen till date. As the protagonist (antagonist? anti hero? Idk anymore) of attack on titan, Eren is one of the most iconic characters I’ve come across till date. His unconditional devotion for his friends and his character arc from being the righteous hero to someone who becomes completely disillusioned by the end, it’s fucking amazing.

Geto Suguru: I have a beef with Jujutsu Kaisen and the reason is that Gege Akutami came up with absolutely amazing characters only to under-utilise and shit on their character arcs with his half assed plot. Surprisingly though, Geto’s character arc is amazing. I love it when heroes lose the sight of their goals and become the villains instead and Geto does that. His character development is really good and I love him for that. Incredibly realistic and refreshing to see.

Jiang Cheng: Jiang Cheng from MDZS remains one of the most relatable characters I’ve come across ever. Like I feel him on a spiritual level. The complexity and depth of his emotions, his actions, being so fucking good but never being good enough… good lord my heart straight up bleeds for him. I will always love Jiang Cheng.

Xue Yang: Hear me out okay. I know Xue Yang from MDZS is a psychopath. I’m not a Xue Yang apologist either. What he did to Xingchen was appalling to say the least. But Xue Yang is undoubtedly an incredibly well written character. He loved or should I say obsessed over XXC in such a sick and twisted way, it made for a very interesting read. The way he deluded even himself into believing that his extreme actions were all to torment XXC and not because he enjoyed his company and liked him… like girl be ffr right now who tf are you kidding. But yeah love me an insane psychotic gremlin.

Violet Evergarden: Violet from Violet Evergarden is one of the most heartbreaking characters I’ve come across and also one of the most unique. I’m a sucker for stories that tell the most human stories and Violet as a child soldier discovering these emotions, thoughts and vivid lives of people while coming to terms with her own trauma really gives her a special place in my heart.

Howl: Howl from Howls Moving Castle is one of my favorites because he is a hot babygirl. As simple as that.

Thanks so much for asking! Sorry it took me a while to get back to you but I hope you liked this list 💗💗💗

[captain-aralias]

giving birth

idk, i'm pretty sure some people wouldn't write a post about going into labour on tumblr, but it's a thing i wanted to write about, so - it's here if you want it! if you'd rather avoid, don't click the read more.

things normal people might want to know outside the cut:

baby is now 11 days old <3 things are generally going well. i sleep between about 11pm and 3am, and then again 8am to 10am

it's been hard to get enough brain together to write a post like this, reply to comments, read fic, etc, as many of my most cogent hours have been visitor hours or hanging out with my partner. the night shift is not a good time to do things that aren't watching TV. i've managed to Read Half a Book (daisy jones and the six - easy going, i like it)

i was going to cosplay him as baby simon snow left at the orphanage, but he looks nothing like simon (much more like baz - currently: grey eyes, reddish-gold skin, dark hair), and also i don't want to write on my baby :o

surprise fourth entry: we think the terrace house next door has been turned into a brothel ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ok - birth stuff after this. not too much gory detail, probs, but some.

the beginning part you already know!

waters broke on thursday 11th, just after i woke up. this was two days after the stitch was removed, and therefore almost certainly related, so hooray for stitch! kept the baby in until 37 weeks.

i'd been worried that i might not realise my waters had broken, as apparently this is totally possible. i am here to tell you - that YES, it is possible. i clocked what it probably was immediately, but also it wasn't a 4 cups of liquid is everywhere sort of deal, it was more like - about half a cup every hour or so. and so i thought - this is probably what is happening, but maybe it's not and i should have done more pelvic floor exercises.

went to hospital. got hooked up to the machine that monitors baby heartbeat and movement. nothing much happening, although heartbeat all ok. the midwife on duty was called 'merlyn' - true story.

she asked me to walk around for a bit and come back, so my partner and i walked to the costa coffee inside the hospital. i ordered one of the new 'bubble' drinks, because i thought - why not? it's sugary and cold, these are things that make babies move. the drink was...... not good. blueberry slushy with cream on top and bubbles that were a) too big to fit through the absolutely normal straw and b) apparently were a cross between blueberries and popping boba. i say apparently as i'd given up by then and my partner ate them.

anyway - this detail included just to show you how surreal and nothingy early labour was. we walked back, hooked back up to the machine. baby now kicking a bit, and merlyn asked me whether i just had a really high pain tolerance and therefore wasn't upset about the contractions. i said, 'i dont know - guess we're about to find out' 🤔

agreed i probably wasn't in labour yet, so i was sent home, but asked to come back at 4.30 for my pre-scheduled scan with the nice doctor who first realised my cervix was open, and who we've seen regularly since (because my partner rang to complain when we had no follow up, and because this doctor was the one who rang us back and then made sure we were seen afterwards. not brilliant work from NHS administrators).

was also told if i didn't go into labour before hand, to come back at 8.30am (24 hours after waters broken) to be induced. given leaflet about induction methods. key take away - could take up to 3 days. sounds terrible.

home for 2 hours, back to hospital for scan.

we were waiting around for about half an hour. shown in - doctor says, 'we've had some difficult patients today, sorry! but you should be easy'. my partner tells her my waters have broken - she's surprised! (but pleased) no one has managed to tell her or put it in any notes, which she just reviewed. again - great job. i do love you NHS, but what is going on? a student midwife is trying to scan me - and has had to deal with all these previous difficult cases. with little amniotic fluid left, her job is basically impossible. sorry :'(

but - waters breaking confirmed! honestly, until that point i was still not sure. doctor says, induction could be offered immediately, but we mostly don't do that as in almost all cases you go into labour before 24 hours. i said thank you again for spotting my cervix being open. weird to think we won't see her again!!

went home. watched the end of 'little dorrit' (overall - it's good. so many famous people. the ending is a bit all over the place, though). about 9pm started feeling period-pain type pain. figured: probably a contraction! definitely did not feel like i expected in that there was no real release. it was just - now you're having a painful period. i called maternity triage again to say there was blood in the water now, and they reminded me that was totally normal (mucus plug, i guess) and to come back when things were serious.

so - i went to sleep.

woke up at about 2am. contractions now serious business, but also still... not as serious as i'd expected. again: basically it felt like period pain, this time crossed with constipation. and then it would go away, and i'd feel totally normal again, which i was not expecting.

we'd been told to come in when the contractions were every 5 minutes for an hour. my contractions were coming about ever 2-3 minutes. after about 20 minutes, i told my partner that i wanted to go to the hospital now, even if we should really wait. this was the RIGHT decision.

i'm the only one who can drive our car. it was obviously not a good idea to drive the car. i called an uber. unfortunately the labour ward is on the other side of the hospital to the main entrance, and doesn't have an address you can give uber..... retrospectively i'd have done better just putting in the street, like i usually did, but i tried to use the labour ward post code. we ended up at the main entrance, which was shut.

erin (my partner) keeps telling people that the uber drive was annoyed i slammed the door of his car, but i honestly do not remember this. the drive was about 10 minutes, during which i alternated between feeling bad and feeling totally fine.

we didn't bother trying to direct the driver to the right part of the hospital, just got out. erin wanted to go and get a wheelchair, but i didn't want to just sit on the ground outside the hospital in the middle of the night while she did that, and i felt completely fine ... except when i didn't.

so we walked to the labour ward. it's about 5 minutes from the entrance. i sat on the floor when the contractions came. then walked again. cool times.

arrived at maternity triage. again, it felt like going there every other time we'd ever been there - my key take away is that most of being in labour was extremely underwhelming. pain was not great, to the extent that i was thinking 'i can see why people don't like labour, maybe this was a terrible idea', but i could still think things like that. they hooked me up to the same machine as they had in the morning, and this time it said - yes, definitely in labour (which i knew, but ho hum - it was doing its best!).

asked to confirm i was a low risk pregnancy. we were like - nope, don't think so. ivf, stitch, isnt that in the notes??

a midwife came over and was like - "WOW, you're 8cm dilated." (of the necessary 10cm) at which point they started to take everything a bit more seriously. but they also described a bunch of pain relief options - and i was like, whatever, give me whatever i can have. and then was told - oh no, you actually can't have pethadine, water birth, or epidural of these as you're too far along. (which i also knew, but then why offer?)

i'd sort of suspected this might be the case, given how my cervix tried to open at 21 weeks. so my birth plan was basically 'whatever'. v glad i hadn't had my heart set on anything in particular.

they wheeled me down the corridor to one of the birthing rooms. they wouldn't let me go to the toilet in case i had the baby in the toilet..... that's how quickly things were happening.

i managed to change into the hospital gown, then got onto the bed. 'this is such a comfortable bed' i told my partner, although later (post birth) i realised that it wasn't... but i appreciated it a lot at the time.

i WAS allowed gas and air, hurrah. i'm extremely keen on doing things that make my life easier, so i accepted, obvs. basically, you breathe in during the contractions, and breathe out of the mask normally when you're not contracting.

THIS made the whole experience very different from just 'intense period pain', in part probably because the pain was ramping up, but also because whenever i wasn't contracting i felt completely off my face from the gas. overall, i thought this was a decent pain relief option. i also liked how breathing in the gas gave me something to focus on while pain was happening and it was a clear signal to everyone else that it was happening.

i probably had about... 5 more before my body was like 'maybe time to push'. (it really did feel different/like an actual urge). midwife told me i couldn't have the gas and air anymore - boo - just focus on pushing when the urge came.

pushed...... but obviously it hurt, so even though they were like 'keep pushing!' i thought, i will just relax because that's less painful. (great job, brain.) but i only faked out twice.

they invited a doctor in, because i was bleeding, and baby's heartrate was dropping. i agreed to the episiotomy because even though i reeeally didn't want that, i obviously would do whatever to get the baby safe.

retrospectively, my partner and i think that probably i was bleeding because i'd just had the stitch out two days before and those wounds had opened. but neither of us thought of it at the time, and no one assisting with the birth had had time to read the notes. (this is a theme of the post, not to be too whingey - but it was a shame). but anyway, the cutting (boo) came with a side of local anaesthetic (HOORAY) so actually it felt like a very good decision at the time, even above baby's safety.

one more contraction, one more push - baby was born in one go.

he's premature-levels of small at 5lb 10oz (5th percentile), even though he's technically full term. this is why erin and i think the bleeding was from the stitch rather than the baby, although one of the midwives suggested perhaps he was holding his arm up next to his face and that made him seem bigger. the scan we got the day before estimated his weight as being more normal, but scans are super unreliable particularly late in pregnancy.

really a very easy birth, as far as i can tell. i had slept through a lot of the early stage. the fear of being at home at not with medical professionals was the worst bit (and we fixed that by just going in even when we weren't sure) and as soon as it was over, i felt immediately fine. the whole thing had taken 2 hours tops. baby born at 4.30am.

i thought i'd cry when they gave me the baby, but actually i was too surprised that he was actually there and alive. (my partner cried.) the umblical cord looks creepy and alien. we'd agreed a medical professional should cut the cord, rather than erin (who wants to do this? they just want dads to feel involved). i got to hold him baby while they gave me the shot to deliver the placenta. barely felt it.

then had to give baby to erin for 30 minutes while a fuck tonne of stitches were put in... the amount of sewing involved was definitely worrying. i'd assumed maybe like... two stitches, but... it was a lot. can't recommend (though could not feel it at the time.)

after that, we just got to hang out in the room. i showered, changed, they brought me (but not erin) some breakfast and lunch. they did tests on the baby, most of which he passed. didn't pass the hearing test but apparently this is normal, as lots of babies have fluid in their ears. we think he can hear as he has startled at loud noises since. all the clothes i'd brought were hilariously too big.

sent home about 12 hours after the birth. could have stayed if we'd wanted to, but definitely did not.

i felt totally fine the entire day of the birth, full of LOTS of adrenalin. second day was also ok. third day was my crash. i got a cold, which was NOT good for my pelvic floor (and which i still have, RIP). my stitches hurt, the sleep debt had kicked in and i was hobbling everywhere, and breastfeeding wasn't going well. before the birth i'd been very much of the opinion that i'd breastfeed if it was easy, but i found it kind of weird and knew the health benefits were exaggerated. (but not completely, obviously). deep in my hormones, i was not able to hold onto this previously rational view. instead, i was thinking - i have no connection to my baby anymore.

i also cried at the song 'making a man' from the musical operation mincemeat (which is NOT an emotional song - but is about someone with the same name as my baby, who i'd just made), the beginning of the movie 'in the heights' (it was just so good!), the ending of the movie 'pride', and i cried again while describing what had happened at the end of 'pride' and how i'd cried.....

bought several breast pumps, fed the baby formula, took a day off from trying to breastfeed, things pretty much fixed for me (except for the crying at movies) by day 5. going to continue with combination feeding (i.e. breastmilk+formula) though, because it just seems insane to have to wake up every time the baby is hungry. what am i, a sadist? and when people are over - how good not to have to get your breasts out... thank you makers of formula.

ANYWAY. we're now on day 11. feels like baby is pretty easy going for a baby, he only cries when he needs something - which i appreciate, as it helps me keep him alive \o/ he will sleep in his basket, but only if he's already asleep. he prefers to be held. he can sleep for 3 hours at a time, but only during the day - at night you're lucky to get 1 hour, and he has been awake for about 2 hours at a time, unlike about 15 minutes average in the day. he smells nice, he wasn't cute-cute when he first came out, but he is getting extremely cute now and i think he looks more like my partner than an unknown donor (although still all to play for, i think). because he's still super small and almost pre-term, his legs and arms are still all curled up like he's in the womb, even though he's been out 11 days. but he's gradually uncurling them and stretching out.

i like holding him. he makes funny faces. he has a LOT of hair - which means the heartburn was right about that one. (n.b. heartburn is linked to hair, this is an old wives tale that is now scientifically proven) think it's going well, overall <3

n.b. i had to pause at this point because baby woke up. what they say about baby boys peeing on you while you change their nappies is 100% accu-rat, but it's quite funny really. we haven't worked out how to stop it because putting a cloth over him makes him hold it in..... and then you remove the cloth....... fine comedy in action.

my bump was very small, so i was able to put my pre-pregnancy jeans back on after only a few days. hooray, i love jeans.

uterine contractions started about day 6 (this is a thing i feel i did not know about before being pregnant myself. 7 days worth of contractions post baby to bring your uterus back in line). wow, it's like MORE PERIOD PAIN. great. there's less blood than i expected, though. i also can't control my temperature well at night - so i'm super hot while asleep, then get out of bed and start shivvering. apparently this is what the menopause will be like. looking forward to that 😅

not much else to add except the brothel stuff. basically 2 nights ago, someone knocked on my front door at 4.30 (same time baby was born!) in the morning as i was sitting up with baby. rang the doorbell, walked round to peer through the window, and then knocked again. i would not have answered - just wanted him to go away, but erin came down and opened the door, which was (it turns out) the right thing to do, but i was not happy about it - as we live in a semi-dodgy neighbourhood, although i've always felt relatively safe as we're off the highstreet and there are often people outside the pub until 1-2am, which is annoying but also feels like they'd see and stop anything bad.

i was running through scenarios like 'and then he breaks in' or 'and then he stabs whoever opened the door' in my mind. instead he just said something like - 'do you know where the whorehouse is?' and erin said 'wtf, it's 3am' and closed the door.

this could have just been a random incident, and indeed i didn't hear him say 'whorehouse' so i thought it was just a drunk guy asking for directions. but once she told me what he'd said, we then realised that the house next door to us... probably is a brothel. it's been renovated by our ex-neighbours and rented out, all the windows are blacked out, including the skylight we can see out of our windows. there's a complex doorbell system, they refuse to take our packages in, they don't have any bins out the front (which is presumably because no one is using the house as a house), and we've definitely heard people having sex through the walls. though erin thinks they've put up sound insulation just in time to not have to hear the baby crying in retaliation.

she's american and leftie and very against cops, so i'm trying not to be a karen about it. i have not reported it to the police, but i have said to erin already that if anything else happens that makes me feel unsafe...... i probably will. the man knocking on the door makes me not want to be awake with the baby in the night, even though nothing happened. (he broke the first rule of secret brothel - you DONT talk about secret brothel). we don't have our ex-neighbours details, so reporting is all we could do. apart from i guess ask them to move.... (won't be doing that, obvs. confrontation? no thanks.)

hopefully it's fine, and they will just move on at some point. VERY weird, though. and not what i need while hopped up on hormones.

glad to have written this post! feels like a good turning point in baby land, being able to write some words even if it's just this stream of consciousness. i also logged back into work Teams to send some pictures. since he was born, have been out with baby to the midwife (in the car), marks and spencers (in the car with pram), boots (in the pram), and today to a hipster coffee shop (in car, baby slept in pram bassinet). might reply to some comments tomorrow. working back up to actually writing some fic or finishing my lego.

also - it's (almost) hitting me that i have 9 months off work. apart from the sleep, i feel like i could go back to work now.... but i WANT the time off. but usually i only take 2 weeks off, and i've done that now... so it's time to go back to work...

i did read a bunch of other messages on Teams/Slack when i was posting the pictures. v hard not to care. even with something much more important to do.

ok - going to eat some food, now. thank you to anyone who read this far! hope it was interesting as well as long.

not tagging this pregnancy as i was doing it so people could block the tag, but people who don't know me literally found my posts and read them. and ... that's not what this is for.

[moodandmist]

❤️✨WIP WEDNESDAY✨❤️

FRIENDS, WHAT?!? I'M HERE?!? Thanks @artsyunderstudy @forabeatofadrum @confused-bi-queer for tagging me today. It makes me so happy you are going strong!

Yup. I had that amazing moment when you're cleaning the kitchen and the right song is playing and your daydream is just right and you have to run to write it down. So anyway.

Life is crazy. Having a lot of thoughts about love, lately. (and always, who am I trying to kid here.)

Anyway. This is more on my WIP "I Don't Want Love" that's been in progress for...*checks outline* Hey! We passed the year mark last week! ha. oh well. Slow and steady, folks.

recap: Non-magic AU. Pen and Simon talking after Baz has left Simon out of fear of love and runs back to his home in London

*****

“Simon…I know you and Baz have a long history and I know...I know you love Baz. But…maybe if Baz were right for you it wouldn’t be making you feel this way. Maybe it would be easier. You know? If it were right?”

“I…I don’t know, Pen. I kinda think that’s a bit of a fantasy isn’t it? That love should be easy. Love isn’t easy, Pen. It isn’t easy at all. Relationships are hard because you're dealing with people. People who’ve been hurt, who are scared and trying to relate to other people who've been hurt. Other people who are just trying to figure out how to…I don’t know…how to show these parts of us that feel so fucking full of terror at being exposed again, you know? I just think, like…it takes care. You know? Like, I want…I want to do that with Baz. I want more than the easy part of him. I want to show up every day for the good parts and the hard parts. That sounds good to me. 

That sounds…like love.”

******

***OH, BIG EDIT to say, this does not mean abuse is ok! Please, if this felt triggering for you, know that your feelings are valid. This is about supporting each other through our own fears and demons. Not about continuing to give time and love to someone causing us mental/emotional/ or physical harm. ❤️

Heyo! feels good to be back at it just for fun. Just cuz. Cuz I adore you all and I adore SnowBaz forever. Hope you're all doing so great lately. Sending you love!

Tags just for fun: @fatalfangirl @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @whatevertheweather @facewithoutheart @ivelovedhimthroughworse @ileadacharmedlife @skeedelvee @ic3-que3n @aristocratic-otter @johnwgrey @jbrrring @martsonmars @palimpsessed @cutestkilla ❤️

[shrekgogurt]

Oh by gosh by golly, I miss writing for fun. I listen to my fic playlists and get sad because I do not have time and then I get mean to myself because I do not have time and the reason I do not have time is my own fault. Do you see the blame game happening?

In between writing my god papers, I have been taking the time to draft little thoughts ‘On Loving Being a Woman, as a Cis Woman Desperately Avoiding the TERF Traps’ in my notes app. The TLDR so far is: “I’m a woman because I love being one. It’s a deep knowing; my body feels warm and fuzzy when I think about it. In turn, I’m a cis woman simply because society happened to guess right when I was born.” I have also been working on editing a Captain Von Trapp thirst trap in my enemies-to-lovers-to-enemies-to-lovers-to-enemies-to lov…Adobe Premiere. I’m going balls to the walls on it. What lovely priorities I have!

I have also been playing around on my guitar more and improving! I’m no star, but it has been a fun break from using my academic brain. It gets my body moving and makes my ADHD sing. I’ve been paired with my COBB writer for my artist responsibilities and I’m excited to get to songwriting! Speaking of songwriting (not fandom related) I have this chorus of a miscellaneous song I haven’t fully written that I am obsessed with:

I have not touched Escape to Space since February 5th and am feeling so incredibly guilty about it. This is sort of a combination of vague writer’s block (I have some ideas and scene fragments but no end goal yet which makes things hard) and no time. I would say if anyone wants to be someone I can bounce ideas off of I am game but it’s not feasible for me to carve out that space right now. Spring break is next week but I have to spend that time drafting the second part of my thesis. Truly, don’t go to grad school friends.

I have been especially missing IKAB, IKAM so very desperately. I might just chug along a little bit a day for an outlet. Oooooop look at me! I did just that!

(flashback, year 11 aka fifth year)

The scent of him hits my nostrils and it’s effort not to make a face. Great. Weed too. We have a bloody match tomorrow and his eyes are fucking bloodshot. I’m fully minging at this point. Only Baz would flaunt his privilege like this. He can afford to lounge on a roof breaking every rule because someone will bail him out. Meanwhile, it’s people like me who will do all the heavy lifting. I briefly consider letting go, watching him stumble off the ledge to the ground five stories below. The thought makes me sick to my stomach, or maybe it’s just the stench.

“We’re both rather tragic, aren’t we?” Baz mutters. I can only hear him because he’s leaning into me. His breath is airy on my ear. It makes me twitchy. I recoil on instinct.

“You think this makes you tragic? Stargazing?”

Alright! I feel like that’s enough for this post! Tagging as a thank you for keeping me in the loop this past month even though I haven’t been active with SSS and WIPsday: @artsyunderstudy @theimpossibledemon @palimpsessed @hushed-chorus @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @larkral @fatalfangirl @letraspal @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @ileadacharmedlife @captain-aralias @forabeatofadrum @ivelovedhimthroughworse @blackberrysummerblog @confused-bi-queer @cutestkilla you are much loved! Now, making my rounds and tagging the rest of my beloved mutuals: @gekkoinapeartree @boyinjeans @technetiumai @takenabackbytuesdays @ninemagicks @yeonjunenby @cows4247 @sillyunicorn @upuntil6am @excalisbury @takitalks @foolofabookwyrm-activated @dragoneggos @carryonmylovelies @giishu @messofthejess @aristocratic-otter @ic3-que3n @nausikaaa @thewholelemon @taramemberence @yellobb-old @whogaveyoupermission @moodandmist @asocialpessimist @onepintobean @umdiasujo @erzbethluna @bazzybelle @johnwgrey @raenestee @martsonmars @ebbpettier WHEWWWWWW okay I think that’s everyone! I’m sorry if I missed you!!!!

[widowsliver]

okay so, not music related (if u twist it, it can be tho) but. you mentioned media and that so, top 5 films? my fav question to ask anyone as a (almost) film student

Finally found the time to answer this as I’m on a 3 hour train ride (willing myself to not make a 1975 reference right now) so here ya go!! thank you for your patience :)

1. Knives Out (Dir. Rian Johnson)

my favourite genre of typically everything will always be a good classic murder mystery (I am a massive agatha christie fan), I love anything that really makes you think and look out for stuff whilst you’re watching it and gets your heart pumping, so this is why this will always be my favourite film because of how masterfully it was developed. everything down to the angles chosen by rian to literally everything in the film (I’ve watched the videos where he breaks down scenes on YouTube so many times) is just perfect and makes so much sense — something that gets lost sometimes (in my opinion) in mysteries. although the sequel isn’t on my top 5 list, I genuinely think it was one of the strongest second instalments to any franchise and I throughly enjoyed it.

2. Red Eye (Dir. Wes Craven)

similar reason to knives out, I love the thrill of the film because of the confined space, which initially would make the audience think there wouldn’t be much you could use and get stuck, but I don’t think this was an issue in the film at all. my mate initially chucked this on without telling us anything about the film (besides cillian murphy being in it, which was enough to convince me) so imagine the surprise on my face when I realised this wasn’t a cute corny romcom. the ending fight sequence in the house was also fucking amazing and quickly shot to my top 5 list immediately after watching it. I also fancy the duck out of rachel mcadams so this was a bisexual dream.

3. Moulin Rouge! (Dir. Baz Luhrmann)

I just love love. I love love love love. the best love story to ever be told in such a extravagant way with an hilarious cast. this is also my favourite stage musical of all time and the way they adapted it was brilliant. really does pull the story together amazingly and teaches the audience a lot through it’s hard hitting ending — I cry every time, and despite my love for satine I don’t think I’d love this film as much if it didn’t end the way that it does.

4. JoJo Rabbit (Dir. Taika Waititi)

this is also another film that made me bawl so much when I saw it in the cinema, the way that it made me feel emotionally pulled on my heartstrings like no other film I had seen before, especially with the masterful shot of rosie’s shoes. that’s what got me (and I’m pretty sure what got everyone). to be on my top 5 list, a film either has to emotionally destroy me which makes me experience emotions I never thought I had, or blow my mind. as you can see every film on this list at least meets one of those factors.

5. Now You See Me (Dir. Louis Leterrier)

finally, the awesome film that is now you see me. I admittedly am quite obsessed with jessie eisenburg in this film (unashamed) and I feel bad for my friends who saw me whilst I was at my peak obsession with this film. but all the characters / cast compliment each other really well, and either I’m just insanely easily impressed (all of my friends will definitely agree with me on this) or the ending was just mind blowing. maybe a mixture of both? either way, I also think this film has one of the greatest scores of all time. truly is a masterpiece in every sense of the word!

I will mention the most recent film I watched in the cinema was Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Pt. 1 and I was absolutely blown away by it. some excellent directing and choice of shots, costumes etc. as a media student genuinely did feel that everything (down to the last detail) was carefully thought of. also so excited for barbenhiemer I will be watching them both on the same date as a double bill — it’s the law.

[johnwgrey]

I saw several people do this and wanted to join in the fun!

MY WRITING:

Love you forever & forever (love you with all my heart) - Mature - 2.5K - MCD (!)

Mirror, Mirror on the wall - Teen - 1.1K

Reader, I married him - Explicit - 33K - WIP

Kiss me hard, touch me soft on the weekend - Mature - 4.5K

A twist of fates - Teen - 4.1K so far - WIP

Birthday Man (co-written with the Discord server) - Explicit - 1.7K mine

This is goodbye. - Mature - 2K

Cariad - General - 737 words

Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands - Mature - 1.5K

Are you still mine? - Mature - 1.8K

Wrapped around my heart - a gift for @martsonmars 's birthday 🥰 - Teen - 1.3K

First snow - Mature - 2.2K - this fic was written for COC

That's a lot more fics than I thought I'd posted this year! I think the ones I'm most happy with are Kiss me hard and Are you still mine. Writing these fics also made me realise that I really like to include micro sex scenes in my fics. So you can expect more of that this year! I think my favourite is still the one in Kiss me hard, though it's extremely short (just one sentence, really.) and written months ago.

The fic I'm most frustrated with/least happy with is also my most beloved, Reader I married him. But I have plans for this fic. I hope I can make them happen in 2023.

I also have to say that (SNOW FOR CHRISTMAS SPOILERS) I felt pretty validated when I read SFC as what Rainbow revealed in it about the dog shared some similarities with what I'd written in this is goodbye. There were a lot of differences of course, but on some points, I wasn't completely far off 😂

MORE FANDOM STUFF:

I made this gif for @martsonmars

And these quotes for @facewithoutheart

And this lovely quote from Rainbow about Kris's art

And this for Baz's birthday 💚💚💚

I also made a shit ton of Wayward Son quotes (the first sets are from 2021 but some are from 2022 so I think it's okay to post it here)

And last but not least, I completed COC, which I'm pretty proud of!

GOALS FOR 2023/SIX RESOLUTIONS not SUNDAY: (thank you for the tag @shrekgogurt)

First and foremost, I want to finish my CORB fic (a twist of fates) this is a story I believe in and I want to tell it. I just struggle a lot. But I'm determined to finish it within the year.

I want to outline/fully write/post a fic I've been thinking about for a while. I want it to remain a secret for now but I will tell more about it in due time. I think, if I can manage to write these two fics, I'll be pretty happy

I would like to become a better writer. Be able to tell better, more complex stories.

More fandom related than fic related, but I am going to try to stop feeling like I don't belong with you all and that no one wants me here (which is something I've struggled with my entire life. It really has nothing to do with you guys. You're all lovely!) (I'm aware I need therapy 😂)

Possibly make more friends within the fandom. There are so many of you guys I would love to get to know better!

And I want to have more confidence in myself, in my ability to do things. I need to start seeing my worth. (This might seem more random but the fact that I don't believe in myself really has a deep impact on my fics. I want to write more so I need to trust myself more.)

Thank you for reading! Let's make this another fun fandom year!

[bloodmaarked]

where sleeping girls lie // faridah àbíké-íyímídé

first published: 2024 [to be released 14 march] read: 17 january 2024 – 24 january 2024 pages: 576 format: ebook [ARC]

genres: fiction, young adult, mystery, light romance (lesbian) favourite character(s): elizabeth least favourite character(s): baz (sorry!)

rating: 🌕🌕🌗🌑🌑 thoughts: so. i read ace of spades as an ARC back in 2021 and i can't really explain the way i was truly obsessed with this book (you can read my original review here). i read it in four days, bought a physical copy when it came out, talked about it to other people, etc. it was one of my favourite reads that year and it put faridah very firmly on my list of authors to watch. imagine my excitement when i was offered a chance to read her sophomore book early.

well. where sleeping girls lie just didn't hit the same. it's hard not to compare to her debut because there are a lot of shared elements and themes between the two, but i couldn't help noticing that WSGL lacked the spark, the excitement, and the punch of AOS.

one of the major faults is just how uneventful it was. the pacing felt so slow and only by around 80% in did i find myself thinking "oh, something's actually happening now". threads are picked up and then dropped for so long that by the time they came back around, i didn't care anymore. or things went unexplained for so long that i feel they became largely irrelevant to the plot. i wasn't necessarily bored but i did feel like i was in a perpetual state of waiting for the story to pick up. the overall plot was not as groundbreaking or exciting as the one in AOS, but i appreciated what it wanted to say.

the characters were also a little lacklustre. chiamaka and devon from AOS felt well-written, they were relatable in ways, and they had personality. sade, as the main character in WSIG, didn't really have much personality outside of her trauma. who was she, as a person? i don't really know. the side characters were okay, although i will say that i really liked the sense of intrigue and duplicity written into the male characters like august and jude. this will probably be an unpopular opinion but i didn't care for baz as the best friend at all; his manic pixie dream boy schtick got tired real quick.

i'm not so sure about how good the writing was in general. the whole book felt like it could have done with another thorough edit, and definitely a cut down in length by at least 100 pages. some of the dialogue also felt stilted and clunky. the story ultimately had an interesting and relevant message but i struggled to feel much depth from the writing.

i didn't dislike this book, i think i just had very high expectations following AOS and with the similarities between the two i wasn't expecting quite so many differences in quality. i would absolutely still go ahead and read more books by faridah (i've still got four eids and a funeral on my reading list) and would love to see her branch out to stories perhaps with an older cast, set outside of high school, or not focused on elite teens.

massive thanks to Usborne Publishing and NetGalley for providing me with an advanced digital copy in exchange for an honest review!

[destinyc1020]

No I totally agree, I think austin was excellent and there is no need to undermine his interpretation particularly with the fact that he was following along with baz's vision who was more focused on telling a very different story but Im just seeing too many knee jerk reactions, alot of the reviewers know of the distinction between baz and sofia and I think its important to read the article before jumping to conclusions. If anything the clickbait title was wrong but indie wire knows what sells and that is riling up stans and its the stans on both sides that need to chill and cool off a bit and not things too personally. Im not a fan of the austin bashing nor of some austin fans being mad at the fact the sofia decided to not portray elvis in a posutive light.

Thanks Anon. That sounds like a fair assessment. 😊

And I agree, some Austin fans shouldn't have knee-jerk reactions. I think it's kind of a sore spot with some fans though because it almost seemed like Sofia capitalized on Baz's Elvis film, and started filming her Priscilla film before Baz's film was even out a year!

So yea, I think some fans just feel kind of give the side-eye to that.

If anything the clickbait title was wrong but indie wire knows what sells and that is riling up stans and its the stans on both sides that need to chill and cool off a bit and not things too personally.

I def think the click-bait title was done on purpose lol. Like you said, they know what sells lol. 😏

Im not a fan of the austin bashing nor of some austin fans being mad at the fact the sofia decided to not portray elvis in a posutive light.

Yea, I agree. I mean, I don't know how it may feel for SOME fans because this is a case of the fact that I wasn't even BORN when this man was still alive (let alone a die-hard fan of his) lol, so maybe I would feel a bit differently if I were?

I think some of Austin's fans are also actual Elvis fans, some of whom actually were alive when the man was alive. So some of them probably might not like how this particular film might characterize him (again, I have no clue, since I haven't even seen the film). I can't really relate since again, I was nowhere near born before he even died lol 😅 I guess that would be if a movie were to be made about Beyonce after she died, and one film was a nice glamorized version, and the other was a more hard-hitting one that didn't put Bey in the best light. I can def see some stans (who grew up watching and enjoying Bey) feeling some kind of way about the latter movie. 👀  

[pridepages]

Make the Yuletide Gay: “Snow for Christmas”

Happy Christmas from Pride Pages! We have a special edition featuring Rainbow Rowell’s short story “Snow for Christmas”...

Here there be spoilers!

It’s a jolly holiday for snowbaz fans! Our favorite rivals-to-allies-to-lovers have grown by leaps and bounds since we left them in Any Way the Wind Blows. They’re cohabitating, domesticated, and surrounded by friends and loved ones. The holiday’s looking to be merry and bright. Except for one thing...The Grimms have invited Baz AND Simon to the family hearth for Christmas!

Although, some things haven’t changed. Baz’s stepmum extends the invitation, saying “we hope you’ll bring a guest...whomever you might want to spend Christmas with, I was thinking Simon Snow.”

You know: Baz’s buddy. His pal. Eight snakes!

When Baz cries out to Simon “I don’t want to be closeted in my own home on Christmas!” I felt that. Deeply. 

Here’s the thing: as Simon points out, this looks like acceptance. “They already know you’re gay--everyone knows you’re gay! Are you upset that you didn’t get to give a speech? They invited you to bring your boyfriend home to meet them properly...How will you be less closeted going alone--than with me right there, sitting next to you?”

But people knowing while still refusing to talk about it--living under a taboo that you feel in your heart even if it was never explicitly said--still feels like being shoved in a closet. When you know people around you are uncomfortable in the knowledge of who you are...then YOU feel uncomfortable existing around them as who you are. And you feel pain in that awareness.

Fans of the series will remember that Baz’s queerness is not the only unspoken reality about Baz’s identity. The fact of his vampirism is also censored. For years, the family takes it for granted that Baz does not eat with them. If he were to do so, his fangs would be exposed and their carefully constructed fiction would collapse. But, as readers know, Baz has learned to control his fangs between holidays. And with his boyfriend’s support, Baz gets to flex his new skill. When Baz demonstrates that he can eat Christmas dinner with the family for the first time in years, the party really gets started. Most significantly, Baz’s father goes from “steeling himself at the sight” of his guests to “openly staring...his eyes are shining.” 

In the wake of the family celebration, Simon and Baz feel open to be more comfortably themselves. Baz pivots from calling Simon “Snow” to calling him “Darling” at the table, not blinking when Simon calls him “Babe.” 

It’s not perfect. After all, “No one asks what’s changed. Or what it means. Where my fangs have gone. For them, the only variable factor is Simon...my family might think I’m cured. If they do, I’ll let them go on thinking it. Cured by homosexuality. Cured by Simon’s ministrations.” I don’t love the implication that Baz has to be thought of as “cured” or otherwise “fixed” of the vampirism he had no choice in contracting in order to bring joy to his family with his presence. I furthermore resent the idea that Baz’s queerness only becomes acceptable to his family--in their tacit way--because it’s seen as somehow related to said cure/fix. 

I don’t want to be a total grinch about this little Christmas card to the fans. There are so many snippets of Simon and Baz just oozing love all over each other, whether it’s Baz calling Simon “the handsomest man I’ve ever laid eyes on” with Simon replying “I thought you said vampires could see themselves in mirrors.” Or apparently a shared competence kink: Baz “trying not to look impressed...it’s a constant effort” by Simon’s swordplay or Simon calling Baz’s shooting his wand from a cuff “dead sexy.” Plus, we get Simon Snow deciding the is-Die Hard-a-Christmas-movie issue (conclusion: yes). Still, it makes me wish we could have seen our boys at the Salisbury Christmas where they could have been “as gay as we want...we can be extra gay, as a treat.” Like all queer people, Simon and Baz deserve untempered comfort and joy among friends and loved ones every day of the year...but especially around the holidays.

To all my rainbow siblings struggling to find a safe hearth to keep warm during the holidays, know that hearts are with you. We all deserve celebrations where we are safe and loved, merry and bright.

To those of us lucky enough to have found our forever homes and families, I wish you every good thing today and every day. 

Keep making the yuletide gay!

[tabby-shieldmaiden]

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how to phrase this thought out for a bit too long, so I’ll just write out my thoughts in bulletpoint and hope that they can get strung into some thing more coherent at a later time.

Transformative fandom gets a bad rep by a number of different people, and a lot of the ways they poke fun of these fans tends to be misogynistic and queerphobic.

Most of the jokes are targeting m/m shippers and self insert girl x male character fandom. Mostly because they are the most visible part of fandom.

It’s fine for such people to wish to spread positivity amongst themselves.

Yet I feel like they tend to be seen as the ‘default’ mode of transformative fandom participation? At least to the mainstream, and among themselves.

A lot of the grievances of more female-character centric fandom spaces may be on some level linked with that fact. The fact that prioritisation of male characters is seen as the default in a lot of fandom spaces.

I don’t want to take out this frustration on fellow fans.

But on the other hand it is a little invalidating to hear people talk about how yuri and femslash is for the male gaze and how being horny for female characters is ‘fetishising’* by default and how it’s hard to be invested in female characters and/or develop them. Because like... I do that.

Like, fandom isn’t just shipping m/m in well-worn romance tropes. It’s lovely when that’s what you’re looking for, but it’s a lot more than that too. And I am a little tried of it being presented as the default by both the for and against fandom crowds.

And like I read Fangirl back when I wrote fanfiction and I realised that I didn’t quite relate to Cath in terms of being a fangirl. And I wonder sometimes if the reason why Rainbow Rowell made a Baz/Simon fangirl the protagonist of her story about fanfiction culture is because that is one of the most visible images of a fanfiction author, rather than a Penelope stan or a Penelope/Agatha enthusiast (both of which I was and am more adjacent to in terms of my fandom participation).

I remember the bit where Cath was thinking about not reading a lot of Baz/Simon because she didn’t want to be accused of plagiarism, and she instead read Agatha/Penelope and Penelope focused gen. And I was like, what’s going on with those author’s lives? I wanna know what their stories are and why they write what they write!

Maybe I am a little jealous? Or maybe I just want approval?

Maybe I’m just scared about how my origfic will be received.

I dunno man. I just dunno.

A post like this gets made every other month by my side of fandom. I need to say something more interesting.

*Word that I’m putting on the shelf btw.

[anewbeginningagain]

Huh, I never really thought about it, but I agree that Yuzuru does have a huge cult following and even when there is a huge interest on him from other fans who are not usually into skating (like kpop fans for example), it usually is related to that main group of fans themselves. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, since he obviously has a bigger number of dedicated fans than other skaters combined, and it showed in the ticket sales, but I also do think that his reach is showing its limits. I do think Yuzuru's approach to pop culture is decidedly not tailored for western audience especially in his last active years, like for example VM did Moulin Rouge FD that got the attention of Baz Luhrmann himself while Yuzuru's last few memorable programs are the tinkly piano SP programs and Japanese-themed FS programs. It was funny to see his fans complaining that there were not enough Asian representation in the award wins because I think Yuzuru actually took some final nominations that I think other Asian skaters could have had and be deserving winners (the best costume nomination for his costume did a disservice to Satomi Ito tbh, she did many better costumes last season, and most entertaining program could have gone to Kanadai RD or Kazuki or Wakaba FS from Japan, or even Junhwan with his Olympic SP or Young for her fake-ending FS), and Yuzuru himself doesn't do a lot for Asian choreographer representation as he also used Canadian choreographers until the end of his career.

I think his popularity is truly limited to his cult fanbase, like I have a hard time imagining him doing his one man show in North America and selling out like he is in Japan or China (where he has some of the most insane fans we've seen). I can definitely see him being a selling point if he joins an existing show and many will be excited to watch him, but just him coming to a mid-size city in Canada? I don't really see it tbh. And that's not saying he is not popular inside his cult following because he very much is, but that cult following is not really about skating and does not translate into a positive influence on the sport in any way, shape, or form.

I think that while it's definitely not his responsibility, it is kind of disappointing to see that it feels like he cares very little about the world of figure skating outside of his fanbase and the money they generate. Which again, he has the right to monetize as much as possible, and his delusional fans will say that the ISU were so bad to him that they don't deserve anything. But can you imagine if he actually spoke up in favor of the future of Japanese skaters, or figure skating as a sport, calling out wrongdoings but trying to make a difference for the better? His cult fanbase listens to him and he knows that, it's just a shame that when he talks he will never call them out for being toxic and hurting the sport, but only rile them up with nonsense like his PCS dropping as if he is not aware of rule changes or him making mistakes in about 85% of the programs he performed last quad. It's one of the main reasons I just can never get behind him.

[gchoate17]

I watched 30 movies in 2022 – down from 46 last year. Here they are, ranked in order. Most of them can be found on Netflix or Amazon Prime Video. I also ranked the shows I watched this year.

The Forgotten Battle -- Dutch-language film with subtitles. I appreciated that the movie included real-world military strategy, and it showed war from the front lines as well as from the civilians’ perspective. It managed to touch on the resistance without making it more than it was, and most impressive of all, the film humanized a character fighting for the wrong side without making him a complete saint.

To the Bone -- Usually movies about disorders, diseases, or issues in general are so focused on shedding light on those things that they forget to care about actual plot or character development, but this one did a great job on all fronts.

The King -- War in the 15th century was ridiculous, but fun to watch.

The Great Gatsby (2013) -- Baz Luhrman was the perfect filmmaker for the glitz and glam of the 1920s. The first 45 minutes of the movie was fantastic. My hangups were the shortcomings of the story – Gatsby works best as a flawless person who doesn’t need love, which is an impossibility. Also, Daisy doesn’t get to make decisions? (I get it, it was the 1920s, but still.)

The Meyerowitz Stories -- [SPOILER ALERT, kind of] This felt like a Wes Anderson story told by Noah Baumbach, if that makes sense. The characters’ behavior was too on the nose sometimes, but usually the humor of such behavior carried the scene. Great casting. Best scene was Hoffman running away from the gallery opening.

Other People -- Balances humor well with the emotional struggle that cancer brings. Probably the best acting I’ve ever seen from Molly Shannon. Also, Jesse Plemons is in every single movie, I think.

While We’re Young -- I’m scared by how much I related to the “older” couple in this movie.

The Lost Daughter -- Sad and beautiful and terrifying in multiple ways. “Children are a crushing responsibility.”

The Seige of Jadotville -- True story and military tactics and a band of Irish brothers against all odds. All my things.

The Devil All the Time -- Dark and sinister and a kind of underdog story. Robert Pattinson continues to successfully shake off his Twilightness.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society -- Cute, but with some real depth. I cried.

All Quiet on the Western Front -- The brilliance of this movie (novel) is that it shows what cannon fodder individual lives were in World War I, and it humanized the poor bastards who came of age in Nazi Germany.

Munich: The Edge of War -- [SPOILER ALERT] I never understood von Hartmann’s political position – too anti-Hitler for Lena, who is also anti-Hitler? – and so it was hard for me to get his motivation at times.

War Machine -- Fantastic thesis, humorous at times, but from an overall entertainment perspective…mostly dry.

Licorice Pizza -- Man, what I wouldn’t give to see Phillip Seymour Hoffman in this movie.

Hustle -- I love Adam Sandler in dramatic roles. This one started out at a 4.5, ended up at a 1.5. Sports training montage situation.

The Master -- Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix are always brilliant, but I felt like this one dragged a bit. I never felt like we were building toward anything, which was probably the point, but the entertainment value suffered because of it.

The Adam Project -- Playful in a Ryan Reynolds sort of way, has some heart.

I Came By -- I could probably watch George MacKay and Kelly MacDonald in anything. Without them, this is your standard thriller.

The Power of the Dog -- [SPOILER ALERT] The characters pulled complete 180s. Phil was a complete asshole who turned out to just be a closeted gay man? And chaste Rose became an instant alcoholic without her husband stepping in? Doubtful.

IO -- Dystopia fix. Full of improbabilities and character behavior that didn’t make sense. But I liked seeing the girl from Maid in something else.

Hail; Caesar! -- Only worth it for the subtle quirkiness.

Sorry to Bother You -- Interesting premise and I enjoyed the quirkiness, but ultimately the story grew tiresome.

Windfall -- Interesting to see Jason Segel in a role like this, but otherwise, there wasn’t much here for me.

The Colony -- Dystopia fix. Full of improbabilities and character behavior that didn’t make sense.

Sand Castle -- Cliched. And the military consultant or whatever should be fired. “Hoo-AAAAHHH.”

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs -- These vignettes felt like incomplete ideas.

World War Z -- It’s been so long that this movie was marketed to me that I forgot it was a zombie flick. By the time I realized it, I was too tired to keep searching for something else to watch.

Stillwater -- Had faith in Matt Damon to choose good movies. He did not do so here. Cliched out, and so many things that didn’t make sense. How did he afford to stay in a hotel in Europe for so long?

Blade Runner (1982) -- I have no doubt this movie had a major impact when it originally hit theaters, but forty years later, it did nothing for me. (Except maybe highlighting Ray Finkle’s early work.)

See previous years’ lists here: 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017.